so the disability finally came through, thank god! it was like clouds breaking  and the sun shining through. who ever out there was concerned enough about what was going on and contacted the VA for me... thank you.

still no word from the VA. trying to get in contact with those people is futile. getting harder and harder to maintain a certain amount of discipline. im pretty much ready to give up. and they wonder why so many vets use the skills they were taught to resolve issues. because to works better than calling a phone thats never anwsered, emails that go unopened and letters that are ignored. makes me wish i would have died in combat, cause im worth more dead to my family than alive.

.......

I know that no one is going to read this, but it feels good to get it down and out. My name is Keith. I served with the US Army in Afghanistan from 2004 to 2005. i was stationed at a FOB in Shkin. I have been having problems with nightmares and other PTSD related things for a while now.I drank allot and fought allot. i was having such bad nightmares that i was grinding my teeth so hard i was breaking them and now i have no molars, actually all i have left are three of my bottom front teeth and maybe four on top.Im ashamed of the way i look, i know my wife doesn't like to kiss me and people assume im a junkie. the abscesses  are constant. i went to a dentist and the guy tells me i should be ashamed. i know. i am. more drinking, more fighting. it all came to a head in January of 11. i was just so tired of everything, and i decided to take my own life by dousing my self with gas and lighting myself on fire. my wife caught me and talked me down, brought me to the VA in leeds mass, and they locked me up in ward 7 upper. i was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety and insomnia . i started to see a shrink and started my disability claim. i was put on citalopram, lorazopam and  a sleep aid.lost my job at a paper mill because i couldnt do the work while i was on the medicine. got addicted to the lorazapam, then the VA started sending me bills for the meds. so i stopped going to counciling, stopped the meds and haven't been back since. i know i should go, but it seems like all they want to do is throw pills at me. still no decision on my disability either. ive had no income for like 6 months, and would be out on the street if it wasnt for my landlord, who tells me, just pay when you can, even though i owe her like 4 grand. im not a religious person at all, but i swear this lady and her family are god sent angles, and i would die for them. im just really ashamed that i cant pull my shit togeather and take care of my family like a man is supposed to. i want to be a man my daughters can be proud of, that my wife deserves. and it doesnt look like thats gonna happen.